THIS YEAR, as in years past, Oscar nominees have been
politely asked not to drag out their acceptance speeches, which is
like politely asking a Hun not to rape and
pillage.
|
|
NOMINEE:
Ron Howard, Best Director for “A Beautiful
Mind”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“I accept this award on behalf of
the great mathematician John Nash.”
|
WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF HE WINS:
“Thank you
for looking past the accusations against this film. Many people
criticized it for omitting certain aspects of John Nash's life: his
alleged anti-Semitism; his homosexuality; his divorce; the fact that
he wasn't a genius mathematician at all but a claims adjuster from
Akron. Some have even gone so far as to claim that his name wasn't
even John Nash, but Freddy ‘Boom-Boom’ Washington. These people have
done a disservice to the Oscar race with their claims. And if
Boom-Boom were here right now, instead of serving time in Kansas
City for vagrancy and public urination, he would help settle these
claims once and for all. In the mean time, I'll just take this award
and be on my way.”
|
|
NOMINEE:
Sir Ian McKellen, Best Supporting Actor
for “Lord of the Rings”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“I humbly accept this award and
thank you for honoring the entire cast and crew of ‘Lord of the
Rings.’”
|
WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF HE WINS:
“Oh thank
you, thank so so much. I am so happy. And sir, you're doing a great
job, but you're so quick with that stick, and I'll remind you that I
am a great and powerful wizard who faced down the frightful Balrog
on the Bridge of Khazad-Dum, so why don't you sit because I may
never be here again. I want to acknowledge all of the elves, hobbits
and humans in the Fellowship who supported and assisted me in our
long journey. Dear Frodo Baggins who's been with me since God was a
boy, and—stick man, I see you, don't make me raise my magic
cane—noble Legolas Greenleaf, brave Strider, steadfast Boromir,
loyal Samwise Gamgee. Turn that clock off please it's making me
nervous... and Bilbo Baggins, you truly just made me the best wizard
that I suppose I never knew I could be, or aspire to. [Emits
high-pitched sonic scream, deafening the audience and everyone
within a 50-mile radius.] I love it up here! I love the world of
Middle Earth! I'm so happy! Thank you!”
|
|
NOMINEE:
Sissy Spacek, Best Actress for “In the
Bedroom”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“I'd like to thank my mother for
all her love and moral guidance.”
|
WHAT SHE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF SHE WINS:
“I'd like
to thank my...” [Bucket of blood suddenly falls on Spacek's head.
She becomes enraged, then uses telekinesis to lock the auditorium
doors shut and set the room on fire. John Travolta and Nancy Allen
manage to escape to a Church of Scientology-owned helicopter parked
on the roof. Spacek uses her mental powers to disable the
helicopter's back rotor as it lifts off, causing the craft to spin
out of control. The helicopter falls to the ground, crushing Joan
Rivers on the red carpet. Everyone cheers.]
|
|
NOMINEE:
Ethan Hawke, Best Supporting Actor for
“Training Day”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“Thank you very much for this
award and for honoring everyone's work in the
film.”
|
WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF HE WINS:
“Whoa, like,
what? I haven't been this shocked since Screaming Trees broke up.
Dude, this is better than the second year of Lollapalooza, or a
six-pack of OK Soda. Or an ironic work shirt that says ‘Al's
Plumbing.’”
|
|
NOMINEE:
John Williams, Best Score for “A.I.” and
“Harry Potter”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“Thank you for honoring me once
again.”
|
WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF HE WINS:
[Walks on
stage. Opens mouth. Emits pleasing C-Major chord. Wins four more
Oscars.]
|
|
NOMINEE:
Will Smith, Best Actor for
“Ali”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“I'd like to give a shout out to
my mom and dad, and to Muhammad Ali for being an inspiration to us
all.”
|
WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF HE WINS:
“Aww yeah!!
Will-enium up in the Kodak Theater! I didn’t expect this at all—aw,
who am I kidding? Like they were going to give it Russell Crowe or
Sean Penn for another wack white guy movie. Tom Wilkinson? Even he
doesn’t know who he is. And as much as I feel my boy Denzel, how
many of his shouting movies do we really have to see? Seriously
though, I gotta thank Muhammad Ali for letting me play him, and the
Good Lord above for letting us all be here today to honor excellence
in the art of motion pictures.”
|
|
NOMINEE:
Ridley Scott, Best Director for “Black
Hawk Down”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“I'd like to thank the brave men
who fought and died in Mogadishu.”
|
WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF HE WINS:
“I'd like to
thank my producer Jerry Bruckheimer for letting me tell this story
the way it happened, instead of the way he wanted it, as a love
triangle between two American helicopter pilots and a light-skinned
Somali girl.”
|
|
NOMINEE:
Randy Newman, Best Original Song for “If I
Didn't Have You” (“Monsters, Inc.”)
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“I'd like to thank the Academy
for this great honor.”
|
WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF HE WINS:
“Can you
wheel that piano out here please? Thank you.” [Sits at piano and
sings.]
|
Love songs for monsters
Ditties for
toys
Can't be sardonic
For
good girls and boys
So it's back to
the basics
No more film
scores
Midgets are
funny
Christians even
more
I hate
politicians
George Bush is a
clown
Teenagers are
stupid
That's why they run this
town
Good-bye to
Hollywood
Good-bye to good
pay
And did I mention
I don't
really love
L.A.
|
|
NOMINEE:
Dody Dorn, Best Film Editing for
“Memento”
|
PREPARED REMARKS:
“I'd like to thank director
Christopher Nolan, who had the brilliant vision to hire me, a person
with chronic memory loss, to edit a movie about a man with the same
problem.”
|
WHAT SHE WILL ACTUALLY SAY IF SHE WINS:
“I'd like
to thank—Wait, who are you people?” |
|
—Paul Bacon, Nick
Nadel
|
