VARIOUS
FICTION:
Request Permission to Use
the Word 'Veritable' in a Sentence
A modern military exchange
Poor Laurie
The only overtly sexual story
on this entire
Web site
Featured in "New Solos" reading series
New York, 2002
Where
People Hide Their Food
And other impertinent revelations
Sleeper's Fellowship
Blissful, peaceful, restful
Published in "Pindeldyboz"
Literary Magazine
Smoker's Coffee
Back by rampant demand
A Short Conversation with My TV
You know who's in charge
Satire
Generic Negative Radio Ad
for a Liberal Candidate
Sung to the tune of
"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"
If you like nuclear fallout
And losing hair down the drain
If you can live off exhaust fumes
Without frying your brain
If you like the sound of empty shells
As they fall from a gun
Then vote for (OPPOSING CANDIDATE)
But if not, I'm the one.
Generic Summer Movie Trailer
ANNC: Critics agree, (TITLE) is a film with a beginning,
SUPER: ". . . beginning . . ."
ANNC: a middle,
SUPER: " . . . middle . . ."
ANNC: and an end.
SUPER: " . . . end . . ."
FRANTIC OPERA MUSIC: UP
ANNC: In a worrrrld where swarthy, middle-aged men fire two pistols
at once while leaping in slow motion from moving vehicles, curvaceous women
who could be their daughters swell with delight, causing bald guys with
lots of money and power to make things . . . explode!
SUPER: COMING THIS SUMMER.
Six Signs That Your Partner Suspects
You Are Being Unfaithful
--Partner takes sudden interest in
washing your underwear
--Weird answering machine message from DNA lab says, "The results are
in."
--Your secretary is found floating face-down in a swimming pool
--Legal waivers from "The Jenny Jones Show" express-mailed to your
home
--You smell fingerprinting chemicals on your bedside lotion bottle
--You find a spy camera in your navel
How to Avoid Talking to Relatives
at a Family Reunion
--Ask for help with your student loans
--Stare at the ground a lot
--Come out of the closet
--Put your father over your knee
--Display your best-hidden tattoos
--Lather your hair with potato salad
--Tell toddlers what parts of the pig from "Babe" were ground up to make their hot dogs
--Recite a poem about an affair with your psychoanalyst
--Propose a toast to painful memories
--Bring Joan Rivers as a guest
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